an open letter to our neighbours

to all of you:

1. the plastic crate does not belong to us. The plastic crate has *never* belonged to us. We do not know who owns the plastic crate, but it is not us.
   
   please therefore stop a) putting it right in front of our gate, so it has to be moved by anyone who wants to come through), b) putting it right in front of our front door, so we have to move it if we want to gain ingress and egress to our own house, and c) [boggle] hurling it into our front garden.
   
   it is by our front wall in the probably vain hope that the dustmen refuse disposal operatives will remove it on Thursday. If they don't, I suppose *we'll* have to take it to the sodding tip, even though it is NOTHING TO DO WITH US.


2. you over the back fence - yes you. I'm sure that buying your children a huge trampoline and putting it in a garden the size of a pocket handkerchief struck you as a good idea, but perhaps you could ask them a) not to have the entire rabble of neighbourhood children round to play on it, b) not to scream quite so loudly, and c) to get off it at a reasonable hour of the evening (i.e. before 9 p.m.). Haven't you noticed what time it gets dark now?
   
   thank you
   
   I also note that your house is now up for sale - I presume that your planning application to extend it and block all our light has been turned down. I wish you a swift and easy sale; I'll even help you pack, starting with the bloody trampoline.


3. you over the road. Yes, you - the ones who built a bloody car pull-in and DO NOT USE IT FOR A CAR, because it is Too Short (we told you so). Don't you know how stressed parking is round here?
   
   having built it, please try not to dump your household rubbish in it - my sleep is not enhanced by having 8 to 10 rowdy and drunken yoofs playing foopball (yes, really) with your old bath at 1.15 a.m.

love
no. 20